Getting my youngest daughter to eat breakfast before school was not easy. I put in front of her what I thought she should eat. She resisted. It was only after putting two choices for breakfast in front of her that breakfast started to go off without a hitch. Controlling her choice for breakfast shut her down. In hindsight, I think she was instinctively trying to tell me she wanted a voice in this breakfast moment. Giving her a choice lowered her shield and helped her practice – and ultimately to learn – the skill of agency.
What IS agency?
You may be asking what is “agency” exactly, and why is it so important? Giving your kids agency means asking them to identify and pursue some of their own goals and then helping them build strategies to reach those goals. It does not stop there. Your role continues as you help them to assess their progress and guide them to fix things along the way when they falter.
Simply put, a child that is afforded the opportunities to build the skill of agency is more prepared for work and life. Children who learn the skill of agency are better able to master skills, have fewer problems with peers and are happier. And who wouldn’t want that for their children?
Ask, don’t tell
Allowing your children to have choices for their money and to set goals for those choices helps them build the skill of agency. Rather than controlling and directing your child to save their birthday money, ask them what they would like to do with it. Hearing that you are allowing them to have a say in that money gift indicates you respect them and their thoughts. And you have opened the door for them to the idea of setting a goal for the birthday money.
Feeling proud
Something as simple as setting a goal for their money choice, and realizing that goal, allows a child to practice and build not only the skill of agency but also delayed gratification. Children who set and realize a goal have learned how to plan and execute. They are proud of what they have accomplished. A feeling they are then eager to experience again and again.
As I look back at those stressful mornings trying to get my daughter to eat something “for her own good,” I realize she was teaching me much more than I was teaching her. She was showing me what she needed – both in nutrition and in skill building. “And the children shall lead us.” Never was a truer statement uttered.
Photo credit: iStock – PeopleImages
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